r/funny UnnecessaryInventions Sep 27 '22 Silver 3 Gold 2 Helpful 3 Wholesome 3 Take My Energy 1 Bravo Grande! 1 Big Brain Time 1

I build unnecessary products and tOdAY i MAdE a dEViCE sO YoU cAn tyPe LIkE thIS.

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45.0k Upvotes

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1.4k

u/Geotolkien Sep 27 '22

QuiTe fRanKly YoU're wRONg abOUt CaNnED CrANNBerry SAuce!

23

u/Obi-Tron_Kenobi Sep 27 '22

CRANbreRRy*

24

u/GolgiApparatus1 Sep 27 '22

Do you have to let it linger?

12

u/seeyatellite Sep 27 '22

Do you have to?

Do you have to?

6

u/LotusB1ossom Sep 27 '22

I'm such a fool for you

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2.0k

u/squirrlyj Sep 27 '22

Sweet.. when can I start typing annoying emails effortlessly?

970

u/WeirdAvocado Sep 27 '22

YOu cAn sTaRt rIgHT noW, CUPcAke.

228

u/Abby-Someone1 Sep 27 '22

P

E

N

I

S

138

u/penelopiecruise Sep 27 '22

You must have his follow up product, the 'Enter' tapper.

31

u/ultramegacreative Sep 27 '22

"From the people who brought you the clap emoji injector..."

25

u/[deleted] Sep 27 '22

[deleted]

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166

u/Waramp Sep 27 '22

aPoLlO ApP AlREAdy HaS ThIs fUncTIoN, jusT HiGhLight All YoUr tExT ANd HiT “SPoNgEtExT.”

83

u/squirrlyj Sep 27 '22

But I like analog

39

u/ShadyAidyX Sep 27 '22

So use a typewriter then send it second class

30

u/JoanneKerlot Sep 27 '22

Second class. What I am some sort of rock star. I'll walk and hand deliver that bitch myself!

21

u/uninsuredpidgeon Sep 27 '22

Second class. What I am some sort of rock star. I'll walk and hand deliver that bitch myself!

Hey guys, getta load of Jonny Legs over here!

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6

u/station_nine Sep 27 '22

Same. The mocking has a much warmer tone.

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21

u/SaturatedJuicestice Sep 27 '22 edited Sep 27 '22

wHaT ThE CiNnamON tOaSt fUcK, it’s LiKe yOu JUsT SpAwNED ThAt bUtToN OuT Of nO WhErE

And they even have faces??

𓂺

ʕ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ

𓂸ඞ

/╲/\╭(ఠఠ益ఠఠ)╮/\╱\

(΄◞ิ۝◟ิ‵) ᗡლ==8

𒍼

𓀐𓂸

4

u/khizoa Sep 27 '22

"faces"

2

u/Thassodar Sep 27 '22

That last one

ಠ_ಠ

13

u/CannedApples13 Sep 27 '22

You missed the part about it being an “unnecessary product.”

22

u/KissTheDragon Sep 27 '22

What. The. Fuck. I have had Apollo for a year now and have been doing that manually all this time.

thaNkS FeLlOw aPoLlO User, YoU’Re tHe reaL MvP.

4

u/guyfromfargo Sep 27 '22

wHoA I HAD No idEA

2

u/phi186 Sep 27 '22

oMg sAmE BoAT. I Wish i kNeW abOuT ThiS wAy sOoNeR. nOt tHaT I TyPe tHiS WAy Very oFtEN but i HAvE GOTtEn aNnOyEd aND/or CaNcElLeD My cOMMeNt wHeN I AnNOYeD mySElf doiNg iT.

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7

u/petercockroach Sep 27 '22

i wasN’T AwarE Of thiS FeAtURE.

3

u/HuseyinCinar Sep 27 '22

i wOULd tAg tHe pUrPlE DUDe bUt i dOn’t kNoW hiS UsernaMe oF The ToP OF mY HeAd

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2

u/SulkyShulk Sep 27 '22

sPoNgetExT

3

u/kkubq Sep 27 '22

ariSe aPoLlO UsErS

3

u/Vertislav Sep 27 '22

wHat ThE HElL.

16

u/Rinus454 Sep 27 '22

Hmmm.. Maybe we should just type the 'hell' part manually..

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2

u/glasswindbreaker Sep 27 '22

jusT whEn i tHoUgHt i CoULDN’t LoVe aPoLlo APP MoRe tHaN I AlReAdY Do

2

u/quiqoman Sep 27 '22

fOr ReAL?

u/Iamthatis has really thought of everything

6

u/iamthatis Sep 27 '22

I try ❤️

2

u/JackDonaghysWingman Sep 27 '22

aPoLlO ApP AlREAdy HaS ThIs fUncTIoN

Which is why this is an unnecessary product.

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426

u/pnutbuttercow Sep 27 '22

Reading reviews for this would be a nightmare

455

u/garete Sep 27 '22 Wholesome

i type too faST FOR IT, SO MY MESSAGes are the wrong kiND OF CRAZY 6/10

works 8/10

nEVer GoINg baCK 10/10

38

u/WisestAirBender Sep 27 '22

It could have an adjuster for different wpm

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40

u/Soren921 Sep 27 '22

I'd be that first one, but I'd do 7/10 ngl

21

u/AndersRene Sep 27 '22

Solid 5/7

2

u/PaleInTexas Sep 27 '22

Aright Brendan. Perfect 5/7

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5

u/smittyphi Sep 27 '22

What if you pair it with rice?

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581

u/Cmama2Boyz Sep 27 '22

WhAtEVER, sIgN ME uP foR Two

91

u/Totin_it Sep 27 '22

There's that PaSsIvE AggRessive ToNe

If I had that product I could have typed that out seconds faster!

3

u/Akhanyatin Sep 27 '22

while you wait for shipping, you can bookmark this on your browser:

javascript:a="";do{a=a.replace(/(\w)(([^\w]*)(.)|$)/g, (m, ...g) => `${g[0].toUpperCase()}${g[2]||''}${g[3]?g[3].toLowerCase():%27%27}`)}while(a=prompt("Stupid Speak",a));void(0)
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354

u/VanimalCracker Sep 27 '22

Will someone please stop this man?

HE CAN'T KEEP GETTING AWAY WITH IT!

132

u/BlasterShow Sep 27 '22

He CAnT kEEp GetTing aWaY wItH iT!

19

u/lazygeekninjaturtle Sep 27 '22

You think this is something? This is bad? This chicanery? He's has done worse.

11

u/neauxshow Sep 27 '22

And he gets to be an inventor? What a sick joke!

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693

u/Dripping_siren Sep 27 '22

He invents useless crap and sells it to the people that actually use the useless crap.

129

u/rress332 Sep 27 '22

I work remotely. I find this is very useful

23

u/cleanuponaisle4 Sep 27 '22

As PeR mY laSt EMaiL…

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2

u/illuminerdi Sep 27 '22

I comment on Reddit. This is also useful to me :D

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211

u/Obsolete_Orange Sep 27 '22

I... I think that turns useless crap into not useless if its used... Im having a philosophical dilemma right now give me a minute.

172

u/Roggvir Sep 27 '22

OP mentioned in the past that his inventions aren't useless. It is unnecessary, which is different. So you can stop having the dilemma.

66

u/bfandreas Sep 27 '22

Ooooh! Look at Mr Descartes here. Declaring dilemman't.

I aM sOrRy, Mr Fries. yOuR tRilEmMa dOeS nOt wOrk fOr mE. hOw aBouT I gO aHeaD aNd snOrt iT up wItH a 100 dOlLar bIlL

Signed

Karl Popper.

7

u/Anshin Sep 27 '22

Every single time....it happens every single time I have never once seen him remotely mention "useless" what is up with people

2

u/madmenyo Sep 27 '22

It's a paradox

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13

u/AbleLobster1688 Sep 27 '22

Unnecessary *

15

u/GayVegan Sep 27 '22

He actually just invents it for views for ad $. Don't think these get sold lol

3

u/Kiddo1029 Sep 27 '22

He has a store, so I’m assuming he sells some of this.

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5

u/Alis451 Sep 27 '22

some do, but yeah his day job is actually in advertising.

5

u/InGenAche Sep 27 '22

His work could genuinely be considered art, and given the high quality he puts into it, it's not unimaginable that pieces like this become collectable and by extension, valuable.

6

u/kakol20 Sep 27 '22

He doesn't sell a lot of the stuff he makes.

2

u/conioo Sep 27 '22

so redditors basically ?

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443

u/whitenoise1134 Sep 27 '22

This device would keep my status online while I slack off on my remote job. Where can I buy one? 😂

260

u/SickofItAll_4200 Sep 27 '22 edited Sep 27 '22

This is what I came here to say. I've actually been looking for this exact thing to hit a key every so often so my Teams status shows available while I'm taking a nap. This guy needs to sell this to the slacker work-from-home market for this use and ditch the stupid caps lock SpongeBob letters thing. He'd make a killing

One thing I would add is speed control so you could turn it down to like once every 4 mins. The constant tapping would make it hard to sleep

73

u/Orangecuppa Sep 27 '22

I got a secret for you sweety.

Open excel or any spreadsheet application really. Now grab a stack of coins or whatever weight you can get and place it on your keyboard's down direction button. If done correctly, your excel sheet will now be scrolling downwards and this lasts for up to 10 hours of scrolling. You'll never go inactive.

10

u/Neinfu Sep 27 '22

This is genius!

I used to join a teams call with just myself in it, but I'm not sure if it is possible to identify this odd behavior for an admin. Then it may result in some awkward questions at some point. Though, I usually did this if I wanted to keep people from calling me so I can focus or to keep my computer from going to sleep while a task was running during lunch time or such. But this Excel trick is probably very difficult to identify as odd behavior, so it is very handy for keeping the computer awake without needing to do any explaining in the future

4

u/airvvic Sep 27 '22

I swear boss, there's some data down near line 1029329 and I can't use page down in case I miss it.

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11

u/Straydapp Sep 27 '22

This is also how I played wow before mounts were a thing. Stack of pennies on the up arrow, run for 15 minutes.

16

u/ShadowFluffy Sep 27 '22

There's an auto-run key

6

u/Ikor147 Sep 27 '22

Auto run didn't used to keep you from going AFK.

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30

u/darkstar107 Sep 27 '22

Put your mouse on an analog watch. It'll see the arm go around every minute and move the cursor slightly.

13

u/Talking_Head Sep 27 '22 edited Sep 27 '22

They sell mouse jugglers.

Edit: yeah, yeah. I know. And I’m not going to correct it.

11

u/Oplatki Sep 27 '22

I love this typo

3

u/sandm000 Sep 27 '22

Baby mice, they were juggled.

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2

u/oGsBumder Sep 27 '22

This is genius

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96

u/BillGatesAlladdin Sep 27 '22

The real question is how the hell do I get your guys job?

54

u/whitenoise1134 Sep 27 '22

You are big part of why I have this job , thanks Mr. Gates

4

u/BillGatesAlladdin Sep 27 '22

“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.”

172

u/buds4hugs Sep 27 '22

Lose your social life to go to college, get a job to dig yourself out of debt, move up a lil bit so you aren't a bottom feeder but not a manager, then get your work done in the first half of the day so you can slack the rest. Never let anyone know you're efficient, never tell a soul

47

u/Somebodys Sep 27 '22

I can vouch for this. Never, ever, ever let your boss know how much work you are actually capable of doing. They will always expect it from you from that point on and you will never be compensated for it.

18

u/BobosBigSister Sep 27 '22

In teaching, we let our bosses know they were asking far too much and that no human was capable of doing that much in an average day (especially for such shitty compensation)... so they add more every year and wonder why no one wants the job.

8

u/Frankie_T9000 Sep 27 '22

That's why you become a pe teacher

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3

u/Hopeless-Guy Sep 27 '22

slightly different goal but reminds me of start trek…
Advice From Scotty

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13

u/P2K13 Sep 27 '22

Standup: 'Yesterday started looking at that bug, had some build issues as well, didn't get that far need to do some more debugging, probably take the rest of today as well'.

Reality: Went back to bed after standup yesterday, woke up at lunch, had food, started building things while watching youtube and reading reddit, looked at the bug in the last 10 minutes of the day.

2

u/buds4hugs Sep 27 '22

Brother. Thing is I'm way more efficient working from home now than in office. I'm not getting up super early to fight through asshole traffic to show up in a cube I hate and slug through the day. I actually feel good doing work and that turns into productivity. Just don't let anyone know I'm napping.

57

u/BillGatesAlladdin Sep 27 '22

Honestly, this doesn't sound like the actions of a "lazy person/slacker" like you call yourself. Takes a lot of hard work and discipline to get through college, get a job in the field you actually studied and be efficient at it.

42

u/pimp_skitters Sep 27 '22

Yeah but once you get there it’s a gravy train with biscuit wheels

3

u/RadicalDog Sep 27 '22

It's an engineering disaster?

2

u/bread-dreams Sep 27 '22

yeah. i did all of college but dropped out at the very end after everything was finished because i couldn't finish the required undergrad thesis. that feels more like laziness

8

u/KorbenWardin Sep 27 '22

The only problem is if you have colleagues on your same level/workload who tell your boss that they are done with it after half a day…

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u/ArsenicAndRoses Sep 27 '22 edited Sep 27 '22

This for me, but no moving up.

Instead, I got a job that I'm really good at that takes a special talent that few people have.

And then I never volunteer ever. I just do my regular job, no more. And I got in good with my bosses boss.

And I ALWAYS tell them things will take three times what I really think they will. Worst case scenario, I'm right. Best case, I get things done WAY faster.

I do, however, occasionally pull an all nighter to reach a deadline I ignored until the very last minute. 😂

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u/Tsobe_RK Sep 27 '22

I am a software engineer, I like to think my job is pretty demanding (atleast for me). It is impossible to be productive 8 hrs a day on a consistent basis, hence work actually based on your daily capabilities (and arbitrary deadlines) for 2 to 6 hrs and find a way to stay online for the remainder of time because you know, societys standards of dedicating 8hr of your day to work.

3

u/[deleted] Sep 27 '22

Middle management. I do about an hour's worth of half-assed work a day and the rest of the time I just play games on my switch.

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3

u/Waterknight94 Sep 27 '22

Idk, but the venn diagram of people I know who work from home and people I know who could just write some code to do what people are suggesting here is a circle.

12

u/ActualWhiterabbit Sep 27 '22

Just use the drinking bird toy

9

u/FirstForFun44 Sep 27 '22

Can you run vbs scripts on your comp? Because boy howdy am I about to make you happy.

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17

u/greenbanky Sep 27 '22

To keep available on Teams... Go to calendar, click meet now, have a meeting with yourself, change your status to available...

And WALK AWAY....

2

u/whipstickagopop Sep 27 '22

Wouldn't it be better to leave that status as in a meeting so it looks like ur busy

10

u/midnitte Sep 27 '22

Not if your manager knows what meetings you actually have

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u/RustyWinger Sep 27 '22

This would be recorded in the logs in performance metrics right?

12

u/A_Doormat Sep 27 '22

There’s a tiny program called Caffeine that will keep your active status. Been using it since 2013 on both windows and Mac. Works great. Requires no install for those who can’t install things on their work computer. Just an executable.

17

u/isblueacolor Sep 27 '22

Typically if you can't install something you also can't run an arbitrary executable.

4

u/klparrot Sep 27 '22

If everything's super locked down, I don't know; I've never had that on a Mac because it would make it impossible to do my work as a software developer. But caffeinate is part of the macOS installation, so if you can open Terminal, you can run it. Doesn't give a security prompt like an application downloaded from the Internet would.

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u/platypossamous Sep 27 '22

After a lot of searching and testing and since I can't download software onto my work laptop I figured it out.

Download Teams for cellphone, plug phone in, keep screen unlocked and open to Teams (make sure your phone doesn't autolock), proceed with nap.

I've seen other tips like play a video or change your status message to "." Or something simple then put "never change" or whatever the setting is - none of that worked for me but this does.

4

u/MalHeartsNutmeg Sep 27 '22

If your company monitors your system they may be able to pick up the software.

If you want it undetected you can buy physical mouse jigglers that you put under your mouse and plug in to a wall.

2

u/HurricaneHugo Sep 27 '22

Where can I buy a mouse jiggler?

3

u/w4ck0 Sep 27 '22

In terminal or windows equivalent, you can type a command that presses space bar or any key at an interval of your choice. I had a company laptop I cannot turn off screensaver or sleep, and as I render 3D heavy stuff, I let it run overnight and if it sleeps, it pauses the render. So I created a command that it presses space bar every 10 mins to prevent sleep.

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2

u/etzel1200 Sep 27 '22

All of this is a software problem (though if they suspect you they can track that).

2

u/WasThatInappropriate Sep 27 '22

Isn't there a setting to not change your status based on activity? Zoom has one

10

u/wranglingmonkies Sep 27 '22

Not with Teams. You go "away" after 5 minutes of no activity. Mouse movement counts as being active. Or in this case a key stroke.

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u/Somebodys Sep 27 '22

I was looking for something like this for a solid decade before I got a macro keyboard.

2

u/HurricaneHugo Sep 27 '22

A what keyboard?

2

u/Somebodys Sep 27 '22

Keyboard with remapable buttons that can be programed to perform macros.

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u/tarantulator Sep 27 '22

You can do that by writing a VBScript, I have one which I use to keep my system unlocked by pressing the NumLock key twice every 10 minutes.

2

u/Frankie_T9000 Sep 27 '22

Look up mouse Jiggler on Amazon, dead cheap or you can program a attiny86 to do it.

2

u/_drumstic_ Sep 27 '22

Go into Outlook and use the Meet Now button to start a Teams meeting with just you in it. You can then set your status to available and it won’t show away as long as that meeting runs.

2

u/velozmurcielagohindu Sep 27 '22

Ok, I should not be promoting this, but there's mouse platforms which move the mouse randomly. It even recreates credible mouse patterns. Just put the mouse in the resting platform and go to sleep.

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25

u/Hephaestus_God Sep 27 '22

“We noticed you pressed the caps lock key 200 times in a row for no reason? Care to explain”

7

u/amybobamy_ Sep 27 '22

Download a software that jiggles your mouse every 30 seconds, that’s how we do it in our house 😂

17

u/PsychoHeaven Sep 27 '22

In our house we prefer hardware solutions.

2

u/Resident_Structure_5 Sep 27 '22

This seems like it would be easy to figure out with Legos.

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35

u/SuperElitist Sep 27 '22

cap locks

ily tho.

106

u/tlk0153 Sep 27 '22

That's so Homer Simpson using liquid filled glass duck to triple his productivity

6

u/Datamackirk Sep 27 '22

Even Homer learned never to leave the duck in charge.

2

u/datbeerdude Sep 27 '22

The fingers you have used to dial are too fat

24

u/SuedeVeil Sep 27 '22

LoOK At DAddY WArBUcks HeRe WiTh AlL HiS FanCY InVEnTiOnS!

54

u/SmackYoTitty Sep 27 '22

11

u/ipn8bit Sep 27 '22

Thank you!!! I couldn’t remember the sub name. But basically, this is perfect for people creating titles for post in this sub!

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26

u/Elevenst Sep 27 '22

This guy just does not sleep... either do any of his 3D printers.

6

u/sarcastic_wanderer Sep 27 '22

If it includes the F5 attachment accessories, count me in

6

u/Yeshua_shel_Natzrat Sep 27 '22

Be sure to turn off keyboard shortcuts for filter keys before using this.

7

u/_Spastic_ Sep 27 '22

I'm just going to go ahead and say it. This dude has some very intense eyes.

11

u/modified_tiger Sep 27 '22

mAkInG iT pErFeCtLy PaSsIvE aGgReSsIve

It should be on the Shift key.

6

u/commiecat Sep 27 '22

Shift key world screw up non-letters.

2

u/MadDany94 Sep 27 '22

Or make it better?

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4

u/Kronman590 Sep 27 '22

Ngl thats a sick office

4

u/ApprehensiveCut2058 Sep 27 '22

"dEar eLOn MUsK.."

28

u/mathewl832 Sep 27 '22

https://convertcase.net/: I'm about to end this whole invention's career

10

u/nickfree Sep 27 '22

Neat, but literally none of these are sPonGEteXT.

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3

u/asianblockguy Sep 27 '22

Is that just the sarcasm translator.

3

u/exaltedgod Sep 27 '22

Sometimes you just need a clean interface that does one thing.

https://www.cemerick.com/stopthatrightnow/

2

u/sleepypandacat Sep 27 '22

That's why it's an "unnecessary product" because online converters exist.

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3

u/johnfrian Sep 27 '22

Bonus feature: It probably works just as well on the shift key!

3

u/trickman01 Sep 27 '22

I jUsT mAdE a PyThOn ScRiPt To Do ThIs, BuT wHaT dO i KnOw ReAlLy?

3

u/ravenstock24 Sep 27 '22

Cam Newton approves

3

u/Illusion911 Sep 27 '22

Bruh, that's an overcomplicated way to use a script

3

u/Jpicklestone8 Sep 27 '22

I cAn AlReAdY tYpE lIkE tHaT jUsT fInE

11 c4n 3vv3n typ3 l11k3 t)(112 jU2t f11n3

3

u/n21lv Sep 27 '22

I dOn'T seE A sInGlE rEaSOn WHy wOuLD aNyONe evER nEEd thIs

3

u/MrJeoffreyMann Sep 27 '22

One of your greatest

3

u/otakushinjikun Sep 27 '22

Homer Simpson working from home vibes

3

u/noelmatta Sep 27 '22

You woulda made millions when AsianAvenue was at its peak

3

u/snickkes Sep 27 '22

cap locks

5

u/buds4hugs Sep 27 '22

I'll never get tired of this mustache selling me useful junk

5

u/PsychoHeaven Sep 27 '22

I have a python script for this.

2

u/MylianMoonstar Sep 27 '22

Love the extensive talking... Might get me some some ASMR going

2

u/ender2851 Sep 27 '22

you just made cam newtons life way easier. send that man a proto type

2

u/[deleted] Sep 27 '22

I could be wrong, but is that an MKBHD shirt at the start?

2

u/Artbellghost Sep 27 '22

Question, I'm older, ie 70's and 80's where my prime - are these staches coming back, I notice d a few kids with these

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2

u/bkussow Sep 27 '22

Yo wtf. Cranberry sauce from a can is great.

2

u/FrankMiner2949er Sep 27 '22

ThaT's not A pIston> It's A rack>>. But apaRt fRom tHat it Is a greAt invention. I do have a tendency to push the device off with my pinkie, and the random capitalisation of punctuation produces guillemets

2

u/Lone_Wolf_CR Sep 27 '22

I need it to keep my "available" status in Teams, meanwhile I could take naps in my Work from Home...

2

u/conditerite Sep 27 '22

Why is he not in a speedo for the video? He does that in all the other videos he posts.

2

u/AgathaAllAlong Sep 27 '22

Absolute madlad. This time you have gOnE tOo FaR

2

u/no-internet Sep 27 '22

a while back there was also this plugin for winamp

2

u/vektorkane Sep 27 '22

if anyone ever decides to open up an inconvenience store then you have to sell this...thing.

2

u/kurokoshika Sep 27 '22

Okay but I actually need this one. Hitting Shift for every other letter on the rare occasion I type this way is a pain.

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2

u/DisasterWolf76 Sep 27 '22

Bottoms rejoice.

2

u/Ed0g Sep 27 '22

Listen…. This is something I could benefit from…

2

u/chaiscool Sep 27 '22

For teams meeting online status ftw

2

u/writeorelse Sep 27 '22

There are so many games where you could use a couple of these to farm shit.

2

u/TheHindenburgBaby Sep 27 '22

I BOUGHT ONE, BUT I THINK IT MIGHT BE DEFECTIVE.

2

u/_grey_wall Sep 27 '22

Finally something useful

2

u/Prsop2000 Sep 27 '22

It bugs me that he’s using the Caps Lock key and not just the shift key.

2

u/laffnlemming Sep 27 '22

I love you.

Excellent work.

2

u/6collector9 Sep 27 '22

I hate everything this guy does

2

u/R011_5af3_yeah Sep 27 '22

The perfect product doesn't exis.....