r/nottheonion • u/PresidentSpanky • Feb 04 '23
Police beg locals to refrain from taking "pot shots" at Chinese spy balloon
https://www.newsweek.com/police-beg-locals-refrain-taking-pot-shots-chinese-spy-balloon-177893610.3k
u/restore_democracy Feb 04 '23
Well first you have to float up next to it with your own balloon and lawn chair…
2.2k
u/SBot225 Feb 04 '23
Hold my beer……
1.0k
u/jtfriendly Feb 04 '23
Your lawn chair has a beer holder, Uncle Bill!
271
→ More replies106
u/yawya Feb 04 '23
I hope it has an oxygen supply holder too if you're planning on going up to 60K feet
→ More replies63
132
u/peter-doubt Feb 04 '23
Your hat can hold your beer... And the straws keep your hands free so you can steer!
→ More replies45
→ More replies35
174
u/DeadbeatCassanova Feb 04 '23
This needs to be a king of the hill episode
179
u/CrudelyAnimated Feb 04 '23
Let Bobby take the shot. At least I know he’ll put it down clean.
→ More replies64
u/ericanderton Feb 04 '23
Dale: The balloon doesn't even belong to China. That's just what the government wants you to believe.
→ More replies13
u/port53 Feb 04 '23
Well, it would be the perfect cover. With multiple balloons the US has plausible deniability because one of them happens to be passing over the US.
→ More replies→ More replies66
887
u/SkyNetIsNow Feb 04 '23
You mean a shotgun fired from the ground won't reach a balloon 60,000 feet in the stratosphere? I'm shocked. /S
→ More replies414
u/TheFrenchSavage Feb 04 '23
18.2 km for those who don't know the length of a given foot.
184
u/nthensome Feb 04 '23
How many hogsheads is that?
→ More replies226
u/Dragonslayer3 Feb 04 '23
"She'll go 300 hectares on a single tank of kerosene."
106
u/onlydrawzombies Feb 04 '23
PUT IT IN H!!!
→ More replies48
u/Crowing77 Feb 04 '23
Take it for a test drive, and you'll agree...
Zagreb ebnen zloty dien.
→ More replies→ More replies26
→ More replies63
446
u/egordoniv Feb 04 '23
If that thing crosses over Southeast US, some fool will find a way to hit it with a pickup truck.
31
u/Batafurii8 Feb 04 '23
They would have found a way in southern Illinois if it were going to happen
→ More replies→ More replies231
u/Pennybaggz Feb 04 '23
Can confirm. Southeast Alabama here, saw one of those crazy ass QAnon trucks parked at McDonald's with a large billboard in the tailgate that said SHOOT IT DOWN!
→ More replies46
27
→ More replies16
5.1k
u/Scrolling_Blunder Feb 04 '23
"Authorities are asking Los Angelinos to not shoot at the alien space craft"
1.7k
u/Wolfram_And_Hart Feb 04 '23
“For they may inadvertently start an intergalactic war.”
504
u/jddigitalchaos Feb 04 '23
We're not hosting an intergalactic keger either.
→ More replies147
Feb 04 '23
[deleted]
68
u/dtwhitecp Feb 04 '23
took me forever to realize, as an American, that his name is "Zed" as in how the letter Z is said in parts of the world. He's agent Z.
→ More replies→ More replies51
u/Jizzlobber58 Feb 04 '23
Who's Zed?
Zed's dead, baby. Zed's dead.
→ More replies32
Feb 04 '23
[deleted]
→ More replies10
u/LouSputhole94 Feb 04 '23
I had to crash that Honda baby, now will you please come on?
→ More replies84
132
u/thegreatgazoo Feb 04 '23
Not the first time: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Los_Angeles
→ More replies→ More replies41
87
→ More replies127
6.9k
u/yogfthagen Feb 04 '23 edited Feb 04 '23
It's eleven (corrected) miles away. You're not going to hit it.
Even if you do, it will be months before it actually has a noticeable effect.
I was a blimp mechanic. We had to do bullet inspections every so often, when the lift calculations showed that our helium purity was dropping. Because of the very low pressures that kept the blimp inflated (about 1 inch of water pressure), it literally took weeks before enough helium leaked out for us to even notice a pencil-sized hole in a blimp the size of a barn.
And that's for a blimp at an altitude of 1000 feet, not 60,000 feet.
4.8k
u/spentmiles Feb 04 '23 •
Finally someone who knows what they are talking about.
We'll need thousands of people shooting at it, with the smaller bullets pushing the bigger bullets, to bring this thing down.
463
u/Cycode Feb 04 '23 •
let's get our middleage canons out bois! LEEEERROOOYYY JENKIIINNNSSSS...
→ More replies110
686
u/ISTBU Feb 04 '23 edited Feb 04 '23
F-22 unclass service ceiling is 65,000 - We could have dropped this with an AMRAAM days ago if it really mattered.
Alas, the nation has a slight problem with education and while a small portion of gun owners are VERY knowledgeable about ballistics - most people have no clue.
Edit: Fox 2. I was close!
→ More replies384
u/PM-ME-YOUR-HANDBRA Feb 04 '23
It doesn't help that right wing failed candidates are posting pictures on Twitter suggesting they're going to take out the balloon with a shotgun. Their indoctrinated followers with terminally low critical thinking skills see that and think "well if she's doing it too, it's my time to shine!"
→ More replies69
u/Renegade__OW Feb 04 '23
Hear me out. If it's eleven miles in the sky then normal guns can't reach it. But what if we make a gun that can fire a gun? That way once it reaches peak velocity it can fire another shot at the balloon and finally hit it?
→ More replies25
u/AdRob5 Feb 04 '23
Hmm ... not sure it will have enough range. We might need a gun that fires a gun that fires a gun
→ More replies12
→ More replies59
472
u/LazyUpvote88 Feb 04 '23
People would shoot at blimps? Damn.
741
u/yogfthagen Feb 04 '23
Because the concept of "there's people in that thing" never seems to register in their brains.
434
u/Sunretea Feb 04 '23
I'll be honest.. I don't think a lot of people care about that. Especially not people who are shooting at blimps.
299
u/Nayre_Trawe Feb 04 '23
Quite honestly, back in my blimp-shooting days, the thought never once crossed my mind.
→ More replies147
u/Sidekick_monkey Feb 04 '23
I still have PTSD from your BSD.
→ More replies79
30
u/Sunflowerslaughter Feb 04 '23
If an individual doesn't think "what if i miss and the bullet dropping hurts somebody" i somehow doubt they'll think "there's people in that floaty boat"
31
→ More replies67
u/lj6782 Feb 04 '23
It's why people turn into such assholes in their car. They see a car and can't imagine the person inside
25
u/sellyme Feb 04 '23
Those people also tend to be arseholes to pedestrians and cyclists, so I'm not sure that's the explanation.
I think it might just be that they're arseholes.
→ More replies→ More replies43
u/JackRusselTerrorist Feb 04 '23
I can imagine the person inside. And that person is an asshole.
→ More replies59
u/darkmauveshore Feb 04 '23
Real reason Hindenburg went down.
→ More replies67
462
u/FrogsEverywhere Feb 04 '23
Americans regularly shoot at the Goodyear Blimp. The one they fly over football games. I remember reading that their blimps take gunfire around 100 times a year that they know of.
You put 500 million guns into the population, you're going to get shot blimps.
→ More replies180
u/b0nk3r00 Feb 04 '23
Wouldn’t that be shooting at a person and isn’t that illegal? Like, there’s a pilot yeah?
→ More replies166
u/God_Damnit_Nappa Feb 04 '23
Yup and it's also super illegal to shoot at aircraft. But if they can't find the shooter then the asshole gets away with it
23
u/HauntedCemetery Feb 04 '23
I'm absolutely positive that every year some idiots post video of them shooting at blimps to social media with their legal name attached.
→ More replies11
Feb 04 '23
If there was a UFO passively observing us, someone's gonna shoot it and start an intragalactic war
232
u/paperfett Feb 04 '23
I'm the article it mentions fighter jets put over 1,000 rounds into a weather balloon in 1998 and it was still in the air six days later.
70
Feb 04 '23
So is that the actual reason they won't shoot it down? All it does is become a kite. Now the narrative is "out of control chinese spy balloon."
→ More replies65
u/BuyDizzy8759 Feb 04 '23
They don't shoot it down because that is the stupidest strategic move and they can't go on TV and say "listen, we are not shooting it down because we want to practice hacking their SIGINT technology and see how our various ewar works against it. We also want to set up fake things for it to take pictures of along it's predicted path"...so we get "it could fall on farmer frank" and then they ignore our stupid population's ignorant call for actions.
→ More replies→ More replies148
u/yogfthagen Feb 04 '23
I think that a fighter pilot's claim of hitting a weather balloon with 1000 rounds might be a bit, pardon the pun, overinflated....
77
u/loggic Feb 04 '23
I guess it would depend on the weapons platform. The F-16 Vulcan can fire 6,000 rounds per minute, so 1,000 rounds would only take 10 seconds of firing... Of course, it only holds a bit over 500 rounds, so that particular system runs out of ammo in about 5 seconds.
If the claim originated back when the gun was a primary weapon on a fighter jet, the it doesn't seem unimaginable that a pilot would take a few passes at a balloon & dump most of his ammo on it.
→ More replies41
u/Schyte96 Feb 04 '23
that particular system runs out of ammo in about 5 seconds.
It will never not confound me how quickly various military vehicles can chew through the ammo reserves they can carry. It's like a minute of action and it's out. Planes, submarines etc.
→ More replies31
u/ReyneOfFire Feb 04 '23
In the case of fighters, 15-25 round bursts is more than enough to shred an airframe, so with proper trigger discipline they can last a very long time on what seems like limited ammo reserves.
→ More replies20
73
u/SquarePegRoundWorld Feb 04 '23
If a fighter pilot can't put 1,000 rounds into a freaking balloon the size of a few barns then we wasted our money training them.
→ More replies→ More replies37
u/Kazang Feb 04 '23
An F18's gun can fire 6000 rounds per minute but they only carry 578 rounds of ammo standard.
1000 rounds is only 10 seconds of fire.
And since the balloon would have pretty low speed compared to the jet the window for attacking would be small and it would be difficult to hit with the range going from extreme to short in a few seconds.
It's not that far fetched to believe a pair F-18's emptied their guns at a balloon and it had no immediate effect.
→ More replies374
u/twopacktuesday Feb 04 '23
Only on Reddit, will an actual Blimp mechanic chime in. That’s why I love this place.
276
Feb 04 '23
(Alleged) blimp mechanic
→ More replies158
u/Pays_in_snakes Feb 04 '23
former blimp mechanic. How do we know we're not hearing from a blimp mechanic fired for their tendency to underestimate the severity of small holes in the blimp?
17
u/Lotions_and_Creams Feb 04 '23
I am a (former) blimp mechanic supervisor. I can attest to this (former) blimp mechanic's technical skill and integrity.
→ More replies18
u/Magatha_Grimtotem Feb 04 '23
Oh you're talking about Leaking Leonard, yeah we fired him after the 2nd woodpecker incident.
→ More replies49
62
u/overcatastrophe Feb 04 '23
60,000 feet is over 11 miles btw
→ More replies22
u/yogfthagen Feb 04 '23
Thank you.
It's 6am. Brain sti not working at 100%. I will edit-/correct.
→ More replies56
u/ZarquonsFlatTire Feb 04 '23
Damn. The Budweiser blimp used to circle near my high school. I realize now now it was over Darlington racetrack and the school was just nearby.
We never shot at it. There were people in there.
What? You hit it and a few advertising interns go down with pilots?
→ More replies20
u/WhatIfThatThingISaid Feb 04 '23
Lol if it was near darlington then someone DEFINITELY tried shooting at it at some point lol
→ More replies→ More replies32
u/Ghosts_of_yesterday Feb 04 '23
You're talking to Americans who would shoot at a hurricane
→ More replies
1.6k
u/jocax188723 Feb 04 '23 edited Feb 04 '23
Friendly reminder that firing bullets upwards, even in celebration, has resulted in deaths if the bullet retains a parabolic trajectory.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Celebratory_gunfire#Falling-bullet_injuries
541
u/MmmmMorphine Feb 04 '23
Using this machine designed specifically to kill and destroy things to "celebrate" in a manner far more expensive and dangerous than using functionally identical firecrackers or other loud annoying bullshit. Hmm.
Yep, makes sense to me. Clearly those deaths were the will of god.
→ More replies56
u/VTSvsAlucard Feb 04 '23
I guess full circle from fireworks being a "celebrate" thing to kill and destroy.
→ More replies→ More replies44
1.4k
u/pichael288 Feb 04 '23
It's like 65,000 feet in the air. There are no guns that can shoot that down from the ground. But I imagine there's a few rednecks with Anti air cannons in montana
264
u/The_Paradoxigm Feb 04 '23
I've seen a video of a lady who thought she could get rid of "chemtrails" with a spray bottle of vinegar.
People don't understand 3 dimensionality
→ More replies64
392
→ More replies324
u/WhyBuyMe Feb 04 '23
There are only a handful of dedicated anti-aircraft weapons that can fire that high from the ground and most if not all of them are missiles. Even what is probably the most famous ant-aircraft gun the German 88 only had a ceiling of about 30-35k feet. So, even the rednecks with anti-air cannons are probably out of luck.
→ More replies136
u/Roflkopt3r Feb 04 '23 edited Feb 04 '23
I mean, the 88 was pretty weak by today's standards for high calibre guns.
The Rheinmetall 120 mm smoothbore gun for example has about 4-5x the muzzle energy of the 88 flak. The 88 fired a 9.2 kg projectile at 840 m/s muzzle velocity, the DM63 is a bit over 8 kg at about 1750 m/s and a far more aerodynamic arrow-shaped projectile.
If we really really wanted to shoot at it with a cannon, we could probably reach the altitude.
→ More replies156
u/Samarium149 Feb 04 '23
Ah yes, I knew it was my time.
Give me a minute to pull off the covers on my recreational Rh120 L/44 firing military surplus APFSDS and point it straight up.
What could possibly go wrong.
→ More replies35
u/kv1e Feb 04 '23
Wasn’t there a Canadian guy who helped Saddam Hussein build some ridiculous artillery that would’ve reached way higher, at its apsis?
→ More replies21
171
u/Cinema_King Feb 04 '23
They’re trying to shoot it? What do they think it is, a hurricane?
→ More replies
2.0k
u/Adorable_Wolf_8387 Feb 04 '23
Why not use the Jewish space laser?
→ More replies2.5k
u/jayhawk2112 Feb 04 '23 •
Um, it’s the Sabbath
468
u/Reverendbread Feb 04 '23
Fine, we’ll use the Hindu space laser
133
u/Smugg-Fruit Feb 04 '23
Um, it's Thaipusam? In Japan...
174
u/SweetToothFairy Feb 04 '23
Japan Space Lasers are for Kaiju only.
47
→ More replies64
u/Ey3_913 Feb 04 '23
You know the Hindu Space Laser is always working because of the red dots on Indian people's foreheads.
/s
→ More replies124
→ More replies62
u/capthazelwoodsflask Feb 04 '23
I told that kraut a fucking thousand times that I don't laser on Shabbos!
42
u/NikolaTesla963 Feb 04 '23
“I don’t fucking drive a car, I don’t fucking ride in a car, I don’t turn on the stove and I SURE AS SHIT DONT FUCKING ROLL!”
357
u/eastern-cowboy Feb 04 '23
That’s a very repetitive article. They repeat the same information in the article. The information is stated multiple times in different ways in this article.
→ More replies58
u/Superbead Feb 04 '23
I read essentially the same thing phrased in several ways in that article.
→ More replies
2.8k
u/dirtyswoldman Feb 04 '23 edited Feb 05 '23
The effective range of an AR-15 is 600 yards or 1800 ft. The balloon is 60,000 feet. If my math is cOrrect, grandpas old 12g lever action oughta git it
Edit: and the winner is myth busters with 10,000 ft vertically under ideal circumstances. Only 50,000 ft to go and good god reddit will argue anything lmao
796
u/Unit147 Feb 04 '23
Wait till Cletus there brings out his medicinal FIM-92 Stinger, that'll show 'em.
→ More replies495
u/nickie_hafflinger Feb 04 '23
FIM-92 Stinger has an operating ceiling of 11,500 ft (3500 M). Cletus is going to have to bring out his surplus MIM-23 Hawk if he needs to hit 60,000 ft.
232
u/TheFrenchSavage Feb 04 '23
Just looked it up and oh my if it ain't some Tony Stark shit. The price is also Tony Stark level ($15M for the launcher and then 250k for each missile, probably in 1995 dollars).
→ More replies246
u/JohnnySmithe80 Feb 04 '23 edited Feb 04 '23
I'll let you in on a little something they won't tell ya. Don't waste money on the launcher, get one of those long reach BBQ lighters and a pair of safety glasses.
→ More replies108
u/ChimneyMonkey Feb 04 '23
Eh, the good ol’ safety squints should do the trick.
16
u/Stopikingonme Feb 04 '23
I remember when my dad was explaining to me to always use safety glasses then said “But if you don’t have any here’s what you do…”
→ More replies16
u/guynamedjames Feb 04 '23
Hmmm. We have an honest to God piece of hostile military equipment over the US and the second amendment isn't pricing expansive enough. LEGALIZE SURFACE TO AIR MISSILE SYSTEMS FOR HOME DEFENSE!
305
u/andthatswhyIdidit Feb 04 '23
Gravity -on the other hand - has something to tell about, what is going to happen to that load...
→ More replies113
125
u/Dayofsloths Feb 04 '23
All you have to do is shoot another bullet at your bullet, when you hit it, that will provide a boost of energy and propel it farther. Of course, at a certain point, you need to hit a bullet with your bullet for that bullet to then hit your original bullet, but that's what machine guns are for
15
→ More replies43
186
u/trasholex Feb 04 '23
Last time I checked, math was for BITCHES.
(LOADS WEAPON)
118
u/npeggsy Feb 04 '23
"The effective range of an AR-15 is 600 yards"- That sounds like SOCIALISM to me, it sounds like these EXPERTS are trying to tell me I don't have the RIGHTS to fire my gun 60,000 feet.
→ More replies→ More replies13
545
u/psaux_grep Feb 04 '23
Random people killed or maimed by random bullets, coming soon to an area near you.
→ More replies72
u/doll_parts87 Feb 04 '23
You will totally see a story of their defense trying to do what guvment wont
→ More replies
218
u/Vlvthamr Feb 04 '23
It’s at 60,000 feet, how the fuck do people think they’re hitting that?
177
u/rdyer347 Feb 04 '23
I bet there's at least one farmer fueling up his crop duster right now so he can get closer to the balloon.
34
→ More replies60
u/Don_Gato1 Feb 04 '23
And godspeed to him
46
u/JukeBoxDildo Feb 04 '23
"HELLO BOYS! I'M BAAAAAACK!"
24
u/SometimesWithWorries Feb 04 '23
This thread was really just tailor made for people to share Independence Day quotes.
→ More replies23
1.4k
u/Fetlocks_Glistening Feb 04 '23
They've been stockpiling guns and camo baseball caps for years for this, and now it's begun you want them to refrain??
293
u/neopod9000 Feb 04 '23
You have to have thr government tell them not to do it, otherwise they won't do it.
→ More replies→ More replies166
u/SaltyBarDog Feb 04 '23
If it weren't so frigging dangerous to others, go ahead and waste $50 worth of ammo on a pointless endeavor.
→ More replies68
u/xElMerYx Feb 04 '23
As a non-American, how many bullets does 50 bucks get you?
62
u/VStarRoman Feb 04 '23
As a non-American, how many bullets does 50 bucks get you?
Depends on caliber and brand.
When looking for the cheapest possible option, I found:
My largest caliber is about $2.50 per round (so $50 would get you about 20 rounds) and another one of mine is about $4.25 a round (so $50 would get you about 11 rounds).
My second smallest caliber is about $0.25 a round ($50 would get you about 200 rounds) and my third smallest caliber is $0.33 a round ($50 would get you about 151 rounds).
→ More replies33
u/IAMA_Plumber-AMA Feb 04 '23
And if you're into antique stuff, expect to pay through the nose for components. Example: the going rate for 11x60mm Mauser brass here is $20 per piece.
→ More replies60
u/Henorlae Feb 04 '23
Somewhere in the range of .25 cents to a $1/round.
→ More replies63
u/jtfriendly Feb 04 '23
You're getting hosed. Who's your bullet guy? I know a dude who works demolition at the old K-Mart on MLK that can get you half off that price point.
→ More replies19
185
u/paulisaac Feb 04 '23
This balloon is gonna get people killed from stray bullet fire.
→ More replies101
u/trubboy Feb 04 '23
Guns don't kill people, shooting at Chinese balloons does.
→ More replies10
u/JillStinkEye Feb 04 '23
Correction, MISSING Chinese Balloons. Can't kill anyone if you got it.
→ More replies
63
u/XAgentNovemberX Feb 04 '23
First off, how the fuck can they even see it? Second off, The thing is at 60,000 feet, Chris fucking Kyle couldn’t hit it with the best rifle available.
74
u/schoh99 Feb 04 '23
You don't have to be able to see it to shoot in its general direction (up).
Checkmate atheists.
→ More replies→ More replies11
u/SomethingIWontRegret Feb 04 '23
You can see it because it's enormous. The payload itself is 90 feet across. The balloon is much bigger than that.
439
u/gracecase Feb 04 '23
This is why I'm always pushing for more STEM in the classroom. We should be shooting fricking laser beams at that thing not bullets.
172
u/-1KingKRool- Feb 04 '23
Pretty sure laser beams diffuse too much over that distance and atmosphere to be useful for damaging it, last I knew.
69
u/greybyte Feb 04 '23
That's a good point, but I think it really depends on how high you can throw the shark.
→ More replies14
143
u/Seigmoraig Feb 04 '23
Not if they're already in space to begin with
Checkmate
→ More replies70
→ More replies12
u/jam3s2001 Feb 04 '23
Maybe styropyro has one that's strong enough to make it that far. We should call him and see.
→ More replies14
445
u/timothyjwood Feb 04 '23
Yeah...if you think you're going to hit something 12 miles up with your nine, you need to put down the weapon, and not pick it up again until you've read the manual. If you're the kind of person that's going to aimlessly fire rounds into the air, you need to put down the weapon and just leave it there.
138
u/VStarRoman Feb 04 '23
If you're the kind of person that's going to aimlessly fire rounds into the air, you need to put down the weapon and just leave it there.
Word of reason there.
I was thinking they probably like having something to shoot at beyond the standard but in the end, whatever they shoot in the air must come down somewhere.
→ More replies→ More replies46
u/NGGJamie Feb 04 '23
Even if someone had a firearm that could shoot 60,000 feet in the air, or however precisely high that balloon is, they wouldn't be able to hit it anyway.
It's a feat of skill for a professionally trained military sniper to hit a man-sized target a mile off. The amount of precise wind, gravity, and speed calculation, plus error from your human hands twitching the gun by a millimeter would make that shot an impossibility.
→ More replies
78
u/ZarquonsFlatTire Feb 04 '23
You told a bunch of Americans there is a Chinese spy balloon above them. What the fuck did you think would happen?
Suddenly Montanans would realize how far up 65,000 feet is?
18
u/BMXTKD Feb 04 '23
Out of all the people in the world, Montanans should know better.
You know, the state that is literally named after a mountain range?
→ More replies
66
u/Somehum Feb 04 '23
All the Chinese have to do is float a few of these over America and we will shoot our own lights out getting bullets 1/12th of the way to the balloon.
→ More replies
31
u/ctrlqirl Feb 04 '23
So this was the CCP plan all along. Fly a white and super reflective "spy" balloon up in the air, make it float over US, everybody lose their mind and die from stray bullets.
Genius.
→ More replies
31
u/Its_General_Apathy Feb 04 '23
"And finally, please don't take pot shots at it with your handguns in an attempt to bring it down on your own,"
"Get the rifles!! '' - guys named Bubba everywhere
→ More replies
167
u/aboynamedbluetoo Feb 04 '23 edited Feb 04 '23
I read elsewhere, didn’t read the linked Newsweek article, that the balloon is around 100k ft in the air. So yeah, waste of ammo and stupid for other reasons too.
→ More replies
12
12
u/Rosebunse Feb 04 '23
On a serious note, these balloons are too high up for your gun to reach.
→ More replies
3.8k
u/Skeletoregano Feb 04 '23
Funniest line / most realistic part from Independence Day: a quick pan across a TV newscast announcing "Police are once again asking residents not to shoot at the alien aircraft."